Answering Machine at a Mental Hospital

 "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...


...If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.


...If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for
you.


...If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.


...If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.


...If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred
to the mother ship.

...If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will
tell you which number to press.


...If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn\\\'t matter which
number you press, no one will answer.


...If you are dyslexic, press .

...If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound
key until a representative comes on the line.


...If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address,
telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your
mother's maiden name.

...If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y &
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

...If you have a bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after
the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for
the beep.


...If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If  you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

...If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators
are too busy to talk to you.