On a Cruise Ship

The audience was different each week so the ship's magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days...

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said:

"OK, I give up. Where's the ****** ship?"

The Assassin

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists, 2 men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for the job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He too could not do it, so he was sent on his way.

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

The Cork

Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after
their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork
stuck in his butt.

If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks
very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently
stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I
tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a
huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top
hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can
grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

Sip the Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .

12)The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.