Sampung Prutas

May 3 hunters na nahuli ng mga cannibals sa gubat.
Dinala sila sa harap ng tribal chief para siya ang pupugot ng ulo.

Nagmakaawa yung mga hunters at naawa naman yung chief.

Chief: Sige hindi namin kayo papatayin, sa isang kondisyon.
kailangan isa-isa kayong mangolekta ng 10 pirasong prutas.
dalhin nyo iyon dito at saka ko sasabihin ang sunod nyong
gagawin.

Naghiwa-hiwalay ang tatlong magkakaibigan. Unang
dumating si Pedro, dala-dala'y 10 oranges.

Chief: Ngayon, ipasok mo ang lahat ng mga prutas na iyan
sa iyong puwet. Kailangan ay hindi magbabago ang mukha mo. Konting ngiwi o ngiti lang ay pupugutan ka agad namin ng ulo.

Unang orange pa lang ang pinapasok ay napa-sigaw agad si
Pedro. Agad siyang pinugutan ng ulo.

Sunod na dumating ay si Juan, dala-dala'y 10 lansones.
Tuwang-tuwa siya ng in-explain sa kanya nung Chief kung
ano ang kailangan nyang gawin.

Juan: sus! sisiw lang pala. kayang-kaya! buti na lang maliit
na prutas ang kinolekta ko. naipasok ni Juan ang mga lansones
sa kanyang puwit ng walang problema. Ngunit nung nasa
pang-10 prutas na siya, bigla siyang napatawa.

Pugot-ulo agad ni Chief.

Pagkamatay ay napunta agad si Juan sa langit kung saan
nakita niya si Pedro. Nagkausap ang dalawa.

Pedro: Sayang Juan! pinapanood kita dito sa langit habang
ginagawa mo yung utos. Isang lansones na lang hindi
mo pa tiniis! Buhay ka pa sana ngayon. Ano bang nangyari sayo?

Juan: Pare, ang dali-dali ngang ipasok nung mga lansones. Kaso, nung matatapos na ako bigla kong nakita si pareng Jose ---
may dala-dalang 10 langka!

The Wit and Class of a Filipino

A Filipino walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to the Philippines
on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security
for the loan, so the Filipino hands over the keys of a new Ferrari. The
car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Filipino
produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to
accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its
officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Pinoy for using a $250,000
Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank
then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it
there.

Two weeks later, the Pinoy returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and
found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Pinoy replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Computers

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got
1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a
press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would
all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash ...
twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you
would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road,
close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and
reopen the windows before you could continue. For some
reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart,
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to
drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights
would all be replaced by a single
"This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?"
before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would
lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of
the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would
have to learn how to drive all over again because none of
the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Something To Think About

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she
doesn't need.
_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets
a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a
lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
____________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but
married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change, and she does.
____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of
a new argument.
____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU
ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking
me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,

"You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing
to them at funerals.

Marriage Commandment

Commandment 1.

Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is
thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.

Commandment 4.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of
marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third
year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you
can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The
trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking
about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you
finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.

Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That
is
why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he
is finished.

_____


Bonus Commandment story.

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife
leaned over,made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband
decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much,
fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for
a moment, but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

"Di ta guae yong khee"

Nag-aaral ako sa La Salle .

Ang dami kong kaklaseng Intsik. Apelyidong Uy, Lim,
Tan, Co, Go, Chua, Chi, Sy, Wy, at kung anu-ano pa.
Pero sa kanilang lahat kay Gilbert Go ako naging
malapit. Mayaman si Gilbert kaya mangyari
pa, madalas siya ang taya sa tuwing gigimik ang
barkada.

Isang araw na-ospital ang kanyang ama. Sinamahan ko
siya sa pagdalaw.
Nasa ICU na noon ang kanyang ama dahil sa stroke.
Naron din ang ilan sa
kanyang malalapit na kamag-anak.

Nag-usap sila. Intsik ang kanilang usapan.... hindi ko
maintindihan.

Pagkatapos ng ilang minutong usap-usap, nagkayayaan
nang umuwi. Maiwan daw
muna ako at pakibantayan ang kanyang ama habang
inihahatid nya ang kanyang
mga kamag-anak palabas ng ospital. Lumipat ako sa
gawing kaliwa ng kama ng
kanyang ama para ilapag ang mga iniwan nilang mga
gamit na kakailanganin ng
magbabantay sa ospital. Nang akmang ilalapag ko na ay
biglang nangisay ang
matanda.

Hinahabol nya ang kanyang hininga... Kinuyom nya ang
kanyang palad at
paulit-ulit siyang nagsalita ng wikang intsik na hindi
ko maintindihan.
"Di ta guae yong khee"..... "Di ta guae yong khee"...
"Di ta guae yong khee"..
paulit-ulit nya itong binigkas bago siya
malagutan ng hininga.

Pagbalik ni Gilbert ay patay na ang kanyang ama.
Ikinagulat nya ang pangyayari ngunit marahil ay
tanggap na rin nya na papanaw na ang kanyang
ama. Walang tinig na namutawi sa kanyang bibig. Ngunit
iyon na yata ang pinakamasidhing pagluha na
nasaksihan ko.

Nagpa-alam muna ako, dahil siguradong magdadatingin
uli ang kanyang mga kamag-anak.

Sumakay ako ng taksi pauwi. Habang nasa taksi..
tinawagan ko ang iba pa naming kabarkada. Una kong
tinawagan si Noel Chua. Dahil marunong si Noel
mag-intsik, tinanong ko muna kung ano ang ibig sabihin
ng "Di ta guae yong khee".

"Huwag mong apakan ang oxygen. "... "Bakit saan mo ba
narinig 'yan?".


nyikes !

Improving The English Language

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the
EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a
feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in
communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English
spelling is unnecessarily difficult; for example:
cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is
clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to
iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of
course, be administered by a committee staff at top
level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would
suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly,
sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news
with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'
sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only
would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal
workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less
letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond
year, it was announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would
henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like
'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new
spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more
komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would
enkourage the removal of double leters whish have
always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's
in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop
them and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing
had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins
the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps
sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze
funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is,
after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary
'o' kould be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou'. Similar
arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli
hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer
vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud find
it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the
Guvermnt
vud finali hav kum tru.

3 Minutes Management Course

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands
Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word,
Bob says,

"I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her
towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few
seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman
wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,

"Who was that?"

"It was Bob, the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says,

"did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"


Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit 
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be 
in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest
nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,

"Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears,
he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once
again said,

"Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is
weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her
way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
look up Psalm 129. It said,

"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."


Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you 
might miss a great opportunity



Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.

"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.

"I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with
my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.


"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says,

"I want those two back in the office after lunch."


Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say



Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,

"Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and
rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on
the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story :

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be 
sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,"
sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the
lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth
night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story: 

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't 
keep you there.



Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so
cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large
field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and
dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay
there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how
warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him
out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began
to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered
the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly
dug him out and ate him.


Moral of the story:

 (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
 (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
 (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course.

Computer Gender

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that
in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as
either masculine or feminine.

"House," for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the
class into two groups, male and female, and asked
them to decide for themselves whether "computer"
should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should
definitely be of the feminine gender
("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their
internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate
with other computers is incomprehensible to
everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long
term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



The women's group, however, concluded that
computers should be Masculine ("el computador"),
because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to
turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data, but still can't think for
themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have better model.

Jokes in Filipino

I list Jokes in Tagalog in this post. Check this
post from time to time for new additions. New
additions appear on top of the list.

(Highlighted items are my favorites)

Babae: Doc, kumusta na ang asawa ko?
Doc: Sorry ma'am. Mula ngayon, ikaw na ang magpapakain
at magpapaligo sa kanya, kasi putol na ang kanyang mga
kamay at paa.
Babae: Hah?! Hindi nga?!
Doc: Hehehe! Ninerbyos ka ano? Joke lang! Patay na
sya!

============ ========= =====

Amo: Inday, titira dito ang biyenan ko ng 3 buwan. Ito
ang listahan ng
mga favorite nyang pagkain.
Maid: Opo, sir.
Amo: Kapag may niluto ka dyan, lagot ka sa akin!

============ ========= =====

Mrs: Naniniwala ka ba na ang babae habang tumatanda ay
gumaganda?
Mr: Oo naman.
Mrs: Sa tingin mo, gumaganda ba ako?
Mr: Sa tingin ko, hindi ka tumatanda.

============ ========= =====

Juan: Inay, si Pedro, hindi ako pinagkape sa burol ng
tatay nya.
Nanay: Hayaan mo anak, kapag namatay ang tatay mo,
hindi rin natin sya
pagkakapehin.

============ ========= =====

Son: Itay, pinagalitan ako ng titser ko!
Dad: Bakit?
Son: Hinalikan ko po ang seatmate ko.
Dad: Tong anak ko, manang mana. Hehehe. Eh, masarap
ba?
Son: Opo, pogi po sya eh.

============ ========= =====

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.

============ ========= =====

Binata: Ale, liligawan ko po ang anak nyo.
Ale: Huwag muna. Nag-aaral pa sya.
Binata: Sige po, kapag uwian na lang nila.
============ ========= =====
Lasing: Hoy! Sinong matapang?! Labas!
Lalake: Ako! Bakit? Lalaban ka?!
Lasing: Pare, ihatid mo naman ako sa bahay, natatakot
ako kay misis eh.

============ ========= =====

Tatay: Asensado na talaga ang anak natin sa US . Ito,
nagpadala ng picture, nakasandal sa kotse. Basahin mo nga ang
nakasulat sa likod.

Nanay: Inay, nagpapasalamat ako, kasi, kung hindi
dahil sa kotse na ito, natumba na ako sa sobrang gutom.

============ ========= =====

Husband: Hindi ako makatulog, lagi kong naiisip ang
utang ko kay pare na dalawang milyong piso.

Wife: Tawagan mo si pare, sabihin mo, hindi ka
makakabayad para sya naman ang hindi makatulog.

============ ========= =====

Teacher: Magbigay ng halimbawa ng may number.
Boy: Cellphone, calculator, keyboard, clock at remote
control!
Teacher: Very good. Ano pa?
Boy: Ang tatay ko pa...may number 2!
============ ========= =====

Frat leader: Balita ko, gay ka?!
Member: Hindi ako bakla! Chismax lang yun ng mga
chuvanes na walang magawa sa mga chenelyn nila!
Mga chaka ever! Me, Baklush? Haller?!

============ ========= =====

Bitoy: Dagul, bakit ang pandak mo?
Dagul: Kasi, bata pa lang ako, ulila na ako.
Bitoy: Anong kaugnayan nun sa pagiging pandak mo?
Dagul: Sira pala ulo mo! Wala ngang nagpalaki sa akin!

============ ========= =====

Juan: Pedro, nasaksak ako! Walang hinto ang tagas ng
dugo. Please, call
me a nurse. Call me a nurse, bilis!
Pedro: Sige, you're a nurse! Nurse ka Juan!
You're a nurse! Nurse kah!

============ ========= =====

Nakatakas si Erap, FVR at GMA sa mga terorista at
nagtago sa mga sako
sa
isang farm...
Terorista1: Anong nakita mo dyan?
Terorista2: Mga sako lang.
Terorista1: Tingnan mo ang laman!
Sinipa ng terorista ang unang sako, "Meow", sabi ni
FVR!
Terorista2: Pusa!
Sinipa ang pangalawang sako, "Aw aw!" sabi ni GMA!
Terorista2: Aso!
Sinipa ang ikatlong sako... Walang tunog kaya sinipa
uli ito ng sinipa
ng terorista.
Dahil sa sakit ng sipa, napasigaw na si Erap.
"Patatas!"

___

TEACHER: panget ng name mo, Conrado Domingo! In short, CONDOM!
PUPIL: ok lang po ma'am! Pero mas pangit sa husband ninyo.
Supronio Potenciano! In short, SUPOT!


___


REPORTER: Tita Cory, kung buhay si Ninoy ngayon, baka pangulo na
siya.
CORY: Naka bilanggo siguro.
REPORTER: bakit naman po?
CORY: baka napatay na niya si Kris.
___


JUDGE: isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper, gun for hire, gambling
lord, swindler at bugaw!
Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay?
ACCUSED: meron po. Pulis po ako.

___


Dalawang unano galing motel.
UNANO 1: pare, hindi ko nagalaw date ko kagabi, buti pa kayo,
dinig ko
humihiyaw ka ng "1,2,3 ummph!!"
UNANO 2: gago! Hindi ko kasi maakyat ang kama.


___


BETH: halata na ang tiyan mo. Bakit hindi pa kayo papakasal ng
BF mo?
MARIA: ayaw ng pamilya niya eh.
BETH: sino may ayaw, tatay o Nanay?
MARIA: yung misis niya.

___


Quiapo Church:
MRS: Lord, bigyan ninyo ako ng P1,000 kasi anak ko na sa
hospital.
Narinig ng pulis, naawa, binigyan ng P500.
MRS: Lord, next time huwag padaan sa pulis, nabawasan agad


___


Ano ang saging na mataba? Saba
Ano ang saging na maliit? Senorita
Ano ang saging na sinusubo pati balat? It begins with T.
Esep-esep. Sirit na?
turon.


___


Young lady to the new parish priest:
LADY: Father, ang cute mo, bakit pumayag kang magpari?
PRIEST: Ayaw kasi pumayag ni mama na mag-MADRE ako!


___


JEEP PASSENGER: manong bayad.
JEEP DRIVER: saan galing?
JEEP PASSENGER: sa akin.
JEEP DRIVER: papunta saan?
JEEP PASSENGER: sayo

___


Spanish teacher: Class use 'fuera' in a sentence.
Student: Mis maestras son bonitas (my teachers are beautiful).
Teacher: Oh, that's very flattering but where's the "fuera"?
Student: Fuera ka

___


Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina ung top 1 sa klase. Ang tinuro ni
ma'am, yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako.

___


Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his translator:
Bush: Lets help one another.
Erap: Tayo'y magtulungan.
Bush: Let's strive together.
Erap: Tayo'y magsikap.
Bush: Because in union there is strength.
Erap: Dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!

___


Hating-gabi, hot si misis. Haplos niya ilong ni mister, kiliti
niya sa leeg, saka bulong malambing sa tenga.
Misis: Love, ala na ko panty.
Mister: Huh! Sige, tulog na, bukas ibibili kita.


___


Isang panget na babae, hinoholdap
Holdaper: Holdap ito! Akin na gamit mo!
Babae (sumigaw): RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: Anong rape? Holdap nga to eh!
Babae: Nagsa-suggest lang.

___


Pare 1: Pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
Pare 2: Nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng Ms.
Universe
Pare 1: Swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare 2: Pare ako nanalo!


____


"There what it takes to be. Then we shall so be it because it is.
To do or not to is in the what, now or what else. Without which
there never to you!"
- Words of wisdom from Senator Lito Lapid


___


TEBAN: Pare sinong idol mo?
GOLIATH: Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
TEBAN: Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger.
GOLIATH: Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga idol ko.


___

A variation of the above:
Erap writing on a slum book:
Favorite Actor:
Arnold Scharzene... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarze... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarzz... ... (erase)
Arnold Shwazenne... . ..(erase)
Arnold Shwazenner.. . ..(erase)
Arnold Shwarzenneg. . ..(erase)
Arnold Schchwarzenne. .. (erase)
Arnold Clavio

___


Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka
Pare 2: Madali lang yan, pre, sundutin mo tonsils mo

(pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)
Pare 1: Di pa rin, eh
Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo
(pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ...)
Pare 1: Wala pa rin
Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo uli isundot sa bibig mo ...pag hindi
ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!!!!!

___


Sa isang ospital...

Lola (may cancer) : Doc, anong gagawin nyo sa akin?
Doc : Che-chemo lola.
Lola : Titi mo rin!!! Bastos ka!! walang modo!!


___


Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo?
Biktima: Ikaw na bahala, pareho naman yan - walang laman!

___


Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? wala
ka pa bang napupusuan?

Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!

___



Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante.. .
Guro: Ano 'to?
Estudyante: Prayers ko po, ma'am!
Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?
Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko! Yahoooooo!!!


___


Sa isang mumurahing airline:
Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?
Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
Stewardess: Yes or No lang....

___


Street Vendor : "Bili na kayo ng relo! Gold watch ito!
'Pag namuti, white gold! 'Pag huminto stopwatch!"

___

gf : Hu hu hu hu bakit natin ginawa ito? Hindi na ako virgin at
dalawang beses pa natin ginawa!

bf : Ano? Isa lang ah?!

gf : Bakit, hindi na ba natin uulitin mamaya?!


___

Couple talking:

wife : Hon, paki fix naman ilaw sa labas.
husband : Hello!? Electrician ba ako?
wife : Eh di pkigawa na lang hagdan natin.
husband : Hello!? Karpintero ba ako?

Umalis si husband, pagbalik gawa na lahat ng sira sa bahay.
Tinanong niya wife kung sino gumawa ng trabaho.

wife : Kasi kanina a man saw me crying, sabi ko dami sira dito
sa bahay. So he offered to help in exhange of either sex or bake
ako ng cake.

husband : So, pinag-bake mo siya ng cake?

wife : Hello?! Baker ba ako?!


___


May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay inabot
ng 5 am. Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng:

"HUWAG IKAW BAYAD RANSOM. AKO TAKAS. AKO UWI NA!"


___

Husband: "Parati na lang tayo away! Mag hiwalay na lang tayo!"
Wife: "Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!"
Husband: "Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!"
Wife: "Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!"

___


Sa harap ng nursery window;
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!


___


Friend: "Wow, pare, ganda ng sapatos mo, ah!"
Husband: "Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!"
Friend: "Surprise? Ano occassion?"
Husband: "Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin
kagabi!"

___

Health Advisory: "Beer contains female hormones, and can
turn men into women.

After 5 pints.... men become talkative, unreasonable,
irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while sitting!"

___

WIFE: I'm warning you! Parating na husband ko in 1 hour!
HANDSOME VISITOR: Wala naman akong ginawang masama ah?
WIFE: kaya nga! Kung may balak ka, GAWIN MO NA!!!

___


Population policies of countries:
China : Stop at 1 child.
Singapore : Stop at 2 children
Phil: STOP AT 4 A.M.!


___


Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?

American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!

____

WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya
"GO TO HELL", kaya ito uwi agad ako..

____


Lasing (takot): May multo sa banyo natin!

Wife: Ha? Bakit?

Lasing: Kasi bumubukas yung ilaw pag papasok ako
ng banyo eh.

Wife: Punyeta ka! ikaw pala umiihi sa ref!



___


1st night lola wear see thru dress, lolo didn't react...
2nd night lola wear t-back, lolo still deadma...
3rd night, lola all naked, lolo said:

"ano 'yang suot mo, gusot-gusot!!"


___

DAD: anak, bili mo ko softdrinx
ANAK: Coke or pepsi?
D: Coke
A: Diet or regular?
D: regular
A: bote o can?
D: bote
A: 8 oz o litro?
D: Punyeta!! tubig na lang!
A: viva o wilkins?


___


AMO: sagutin mo ang telepon inday!
INDAY: (baligtad ang hawak) hilo? hilo?
AMO: baligtarin mo!
INDAY: lohi? lohi?
AMO: telepon ang baligtarin mo!
INDAY: Puntili, puntili



___



Juan: Birthday ng asawa ko
Pedro: Ano regalo mo?
Juan: Tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
P: Ano naman sinabi?
J: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
P: Ano binigay mo?
J: Baraha.


___


Pedro: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili ako ng hearing
aid. Grabe! Ang linaw na ng pandinig ko!

Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?

Pedro: Kahapon lang!


___


Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That's not true! My dad says we are
descendants of an Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!


___

Husband: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi
ko na to, let's make love.

Wife: Heh! tumigil ka nga. maaga pa akong
gigising bukas, buti ikaw hindi na.



___

KRIMINAL1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan
yung papatayin natin?"
KRIMINAL2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo
dito wala pa rin siya! Sana naman wlang nangyaring
masama sa kanya."

Creation Story

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the
Earth and populated The Earth with broccoli,
cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would
live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and
Jerry's Ice Cream And Krispy Creme Donuts. And
Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long
as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained
10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman
might keep the figure That Man found so fair. And
Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and
sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman
went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan
presented Thousand Island Dressing, buttery croutons
and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman
unfastened their belts following the repast. God
then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables
and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan
brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter. And Man gained more weight and his
cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named
it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan
then created chocolate cake and named it
"Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His
children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan
gave cable TV with a remote
control so Man would not have to toil changing the
channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before
the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in
fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled
off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained
pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume
fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And
Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"

And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And
Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac
arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.


_______________________

Thought for the day .....

There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This
means that by 2040,there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Perspectives

One day a father and his rich family took his young
 son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose
to show him how poor people can be. They  spent a
day and a night in the farm of a very poor family. 
When they got back from their trip the father asked
his son, "How was the trip?"

Very good, Dad!"

"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father
asked.

"Yeah!"  "And what did you learn?"

The son answered, "I saw that we have a dog at
home, and they have four.  We have a pool that
reaches to the middle of the garden, they have
a creek that has no end.  We have imported lamps
in the garden, they have the stars.  Our patio
reaches to the front yard, they have a whole
horizon.

When the little boy was finishing, his father was
speechless.

His son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how
poor we are!" 

Brain Power

Believe it or not you can read it!

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd

what I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the

hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde

Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the

ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is

taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed

it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid

deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as

a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tohuhgt

slpeling was ipmorantt!

What Is Politics?

A small boy asks his dad,
"What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it. I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.
Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so
we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care
of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The Nanny,
we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby
brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about
that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what
Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby
brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He
finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds
his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the Nanny's room. Finding the door locked,
he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed
with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father,

"Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics
now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own
words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies,

"Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
the Government is sound asleep, the People are
being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

An Interesting Conversation

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his
class on the problem science has with
God, The Almighty.

He asks one of his new Christian students to stand
and.....

Professor : You are a Christian, aren't you, son?

Student : Yes, sir.

Prof : So you believe in God?

Student : Absolutely, sir.

Prof : Is God good?

Student : Sure.

Prof : Is God all-powerful?

Student : Yes.

Prof : My brother died of cancer even
though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us
would attempt to help others who are ill. But God
didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm?

(Student is silent.)

Prof : You can't answer, can you? Let's start
again, young fella. Is God good?

Student :Yes.

Prof : Is Satan good?

Student : No.

Prof : Where does Satan come from?

Student : From...God...

Prof : That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in
this world?

Student : Yes.

Prof : Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did
make everything. Correct?

Student : Yes.

Prof : So who created evil?

(Student does not answer.)

Prof : Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred?
Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world,
don't they?

Student :Yes, sir.

Prof: So, who created them?

(Student has no answer.)

Prof : Science says you have 5 senses you use to
identify and observe the world around you. Tell me,
son...Have you ever seen God?

Student : No, sir.

Prof : Tell us if you have ever heard your God?

Student : No , sir.

Prof : Have you ever felt your God, tasted your
God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory
perception of God for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Prof : Yet you still believe in Him?

Student : Yes.

Prof : According to empirical, testable,
demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD
doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.

Prof : Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science
has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Prof : Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as cold?

Prof : Yes.

Student : No sir. There isn't.

(The lecture theater becomes very quiet with this
turn of events.)

Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more
heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little
heat or no heat.

But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit
458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we
can't go any further after that.

There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word
we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot
measure cold.

Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir,
just the absence of it.

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)

Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there
such a thing as darkness?

Prof : Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?

Student : You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the
absence of something. You can have low light,
normal light, bright light, flashing light....

But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing
and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness
isn't. If it were you would be able to make darkness
darker, wouldn't you?

Prof : So what is the point you are making, young
man?

Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise
is flawed.

Prof : Flawed? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of
duality. You argue there is life and then there is
death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing
the concept of God as something finite, something
we can measure.

Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses
electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much
less fully understood either one.

To view death as the opposite of life is to be
ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a
substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life:
just the absence of it.

Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students
that they evolved from a monkey?

Prof : If you are referring to the natural
evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your
own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shakes his head with a smile,
beginning to realize where the argument is going.)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the
process of evolution at work and cannot even prove
that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you
not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist
but a preacher?

(The class is in uproar.)

Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever
seen the Professor's brain?

(The class breaks out into laughter.)

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard
the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it?.....
No one appears to have done so. So, according to
the established rules of empirical, stable,
demonstrable protocol, science says that you have
no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we
then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room is silent. The professor stares at the
student, his face unfathomable.)

Prof : I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.

Student : That is it sir.. The link between man & God
is FAITH. That is all that keeps things moving & alive.

The Real Heaven

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The
man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly
occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered
dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been
dead for years. He wondered where the road was
leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall
along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble.
At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch
that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in
the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that
led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he
got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out,

"Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the
man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some
ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and
the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in,
too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back
toward the road and continued the way he had been
going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another
long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a
farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed.
There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he
saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading
a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader.

"Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured
to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an
old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then
he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog
walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said.

"The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and
pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name
like that?"

"No,we're just happy that they screen out the folks
who would leave their best friends behind."

Our Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side. These
are our rules! Please note... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it
down. You don't hear us complaining about you
leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never
going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this
one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not
work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your
girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible
in an argument. In fact, all comments become null
and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two
ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us
how you want it done. Not both. If you already know
best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have
to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and
neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows
default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not
a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are
lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless
you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball,
the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Life Explained

On the first day God created the cow. God said,

"You must go to the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span
of sixty years."

The cow said,

"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the
other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day God created the dog. God said,
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at
anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a
life span of twenty years.

The dog said,

"That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten."

so God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said,

"Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them
laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

The monkey said,

"How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't
think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll
do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said,

"Eat, sleep, play, and enjoy. Do nothing,
just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said,

"What? Only twenty years! No way, man. Tell you
what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave
back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten
the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep,
play, enjoy, and do nothing;

for the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family;

for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain the grandchildren;

and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained